Saturday, June 19, 2010

Chasing Fantasies

'What I found, is that if you're not chasing one fantasy, you're chasing another.' from the wonderful book Cold Tangerines.

My current fantasy is our little girl in China.

When, on the first day of Summer, the boys are screaming, I dream of China.

I dream of our LOA. I dream of the excitement that comes with travel dates.

I dream of having her home.

I am sure she won't say 'MOM' a bazillion times before 9am like the boys.

I am sure she will be a joy at all times.

I am sure she will be the magic wand that makes mothering easier.

Yes, this can be an obsessive fantasy (albeit unrealistic). My fantasy of control, order, love, joy and endless peace.

'I believed that if I could just get this one thing under control, then the whole of my life would magically bloom like a perfect lush flower.' ... again from Cold Tangerines.

My life is magically blooming. Blooming with noise, laughter, love, tears, defiance, need, companionship, chaos, and wanting.

The perfect lush flower is already growing in our home, it looks different than my fantasy, so I don't always recognize it. I needed the reminder to not chase another.