Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Another Big Crash and Burn

However, this time it was I who went over the top.  I lost it, big time!

After almost 3 months of patience, compassion, love, and kindness as Alexa screams at me, I was drained.  I had no more love to give, my tank was empty.  I could not endure the latest tantrum from Alexa.

The only thing I had to give was exactly what she was giving me - frustration.

I yelled.
I screamed.
I ranted.
I stomped.
I lost all control.

It was NOT pretty.

It has been hard to hold it together during Alexa's extreme tantrums.  I had done well, until last night. Fortunately, the episode ended well.

Alexa stopped screaming.  I stopped screaming.  We had a love fest.

What did I learn through this draining fit of mine? I was reminded of my limits.  I was reminded that I need to take better care of myself.  I was reminded what NOT to do when she screams at me.

On some level, I believe Alexa wanted to get a reaction from me.  That is what she knows best - having shared that her Foster Mom used to hit her (I just yell).

I want to teach her that there is a better way for both of us to learn.

I learned that we can do this.  It is not easy to change ways of connecting.  We will have set backs, and we will move forward.  It will get better.

Her fits now seem to happen weekly. They used to be daily.  This is progress.  It is getting better even though it rarely feels like it.

We can now talk about what happened. I apologized to her for my bad choices.  She admitted she made bad choices too.  There will be more bad choices.

There will also be more love - in time the balance will improve.

Until then, I will work on improving my own emotional balance, so I can be there when she falls apart.