Sunday, February 20, 2011

Trying to Get Unstuck

Part of adopting an older child means, we must reparent her.

We must help her change the beliefs that hold her captive.

These include:  she cannot trust us, love us, believe us, enjoy us, feel safe with us.

To her, it feels like she must maintain her compulsive self-reliance.  She must protect herself at all cost - even if that means pushing our love away. 

  She must, at all cost, not accept her new reality.  She cannot, no matter what, believe us.

Why?

Every time she trusted before she was devastated, abandoned, alone, and hurt.

She believes parents her hurt - they break her heart.

To help her heal, we must meet her where she is emotionally.

She is about a 2 year old emotionally.  A scared, sad, hurt 2 year old.

Like all 2 year olds she wants to do the opposite of what I say.

I wish I stumbled on this sooner.

This morning, I took a hammer to her walls.


I put her worst fears into words and met her where she is/was.

I told her 'no matter what, do not believe that we love you, do not believe that we will take care of you.'

'No matter what, do not let our love in. No matter what, do not let your sad out.'

What happened?  She cried for the opposite.

She screamed, cried, and begged to be loved and cared for.

She screamed:  'I need love.'

She cried: 'I need Mom take care of Lexa.'

She begged:  'I let sads out'

As she cried, I held her.

As she screamed I rubbed her back.

As she begged to be be loved, I loved her.

I was with her in her pain.

By sharing her pain it becomes a little less consuming.

We do love her, we do take care of her, we do know she is sad.

We pray she accepts that she is okay. She is safe.  She is loved.


Big A joined in our little healing game - as we said, make sure you don't smile.
Big A was trying to keep her from smiling!


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18)  Power that went out and came right back on
19)   A weekend in bed
20)   A heating pad for my very sore back