Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Doing Time

There are days I feel as if, I am in a type of jail.


Prisoner of my daughter's pain and overwhelming fear.


On days like these, I can only show up, try to be patient with her, and hope that tomorrow is different.  


Yes, today, was one of those days.  A day where I feel like I am doing time, doing time as her caregiver until hopefully one day she will want me to be her Mom.


She needs time to learn that we will always be here. She needs time to learn how to trust again.  She needs time to learn to let her walls down, and let us be her parents.


I feel a peace settling over me with this long journey we are on with her.  This peace feels good.


I let her control where she can (i.e., to shower or not), and I leave the rest.  


I try to notice when she is not able to really 'be' with me (i.e., she will not look at me), and I make the most of it by being with her even though she can't let us be 'together'.


I am thankful that is now okay with me (at least for today).  I can let her be and give her time to heal.


By giving her this time, and letting go of my hope to have an instant daughter, I give myself the gift of acceptance and trust.  Accepting our present, and trusting in the future.