Thursday, March 3, 2011

This is Hard

She finally smiles today, after MANY rough moments.

This is so freaking hard.  Before 8:30am, I had been ignored, slapped, yelled at, pestered, stared at, and badgered just about to my breaking point.  Oh, and this was on top of out right defiance.

As she is screaming 'I not mad', she is kicking me.  Go figure - I guess these behaviors are signs of great joy?

These behaviors continued throughout the day, including a tantrum in the parking lot of her beloved dance class.  She refused to wait for me before running into the parking lot.

Unfortunately, us Moms have to keep our kids safe, so I insisted she wait for me.

As soon as her tap shoes are on, she becomes wonderfully engaging.  She loves on Ms. T her dance teacher, and shares lots of giggles with her class.  

At home, it is a different story.

"These children are terrified of being hurt again, so they reject nurturing from their new parents....So the challenge becomes how to nurture someone who repels nurturing."  From Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Peck and Regina Kupecky.

Strangers get soft touches (yes this is inappropriate), engaging smiles, excitement, energy, and displays of all her art and toys.  I get nothing!  I get all the crap she can dish out, and today it was plenty.

Yet, I must go on and try to heal the hurt child inside.  Oh joy. I get to continue giving her the one thing she needs, LOVE, the one thing, she fears the most, LOVE, the one thing she refuses the most, MY LOVE!

Welcome to the world of older child adoption.  I hope others' enjoy her smiles as they are not meant for me - not yet.