Friday, March 1, 2013

Our Sad and Angry Girl

I wish I posted more about Lexa, but I don't.  I don't because it is not a happy subject.  Our life with Lexa is filled with challenge, frustration, and patience.

It is hard to live with a child of TRAUMA.  There is not much joy in living with trauma, dysfunction, and the remnants of her abuse in China.  I wish the story was different, but it is not.  I cannot sugar coat it.  The truth is - life with Lexa is hard.  We are learning to accept and embrace this reality.

  We are learning how to best parent a child of trauma.  As she says:  'When you love me, I hate you and put up my walls.'  She has built walls of rejection, rudeness, control, and hate. Slowly, her walls grow weaker.  Slowly, love creeps in.  Slowly, she heals.

BUT, IT IS SO SLOW!!!

This is not what we expected or wanted, but here we are.  We are learning to live life with a special needs child - a child with special emotional challenges.

 We will never give up on her.  We will continue to fight for love. We will continue to fight for the little girl who lies so frightened behind her walls.  The little girl who wants to let us in, but can't, not yet.  We will go on loving her where she is, and hoping one day the walls will be a memory, and a sign of strength not fear.

We are hopeful.  We see signs of love and life behind her rejecting defenses.  We see years of growth and challenge ahead.  We are slowly learning that this is okay.   Like any family facing unexpected special needs, this is a process of grief we must grow through. We are grieving and growing.  We are accepting and loving.  We are okay.

... yet, there may not be many updates.  This journey is often too raw to write about.  

We go on - for we believe love can bring her back from the dark place in which she hides.