It would take courage, time and wisdom to tell the truth here. It would take being vulnerable in public. It would take telling My Story in public. I am not sure I have the courage.
I want to write about how hard marriage can be, and that parenting can be even harder. I want to share what I have learned as we parent a child with special emotional challenges.
I want to write about how I grow in understanding my past. I want to share the joy that is available when we step outside our comfort zone. I want to encourage others and myself to change those things in our lives that really do not work for us.
Today, I learned that it is too easy to lapse into fear. It is too easy to focus on what we lack in love, and it is familiar to feel empty inside.
I also learned that as easily as I may lapse into fear - I can step out of it. I can see that there is enough love in my life. I consciously said to myself, "I choose to be joyful", right when I wanted to lapse into self-pitying victimhood. I chose joy. It worked. I chose joy.
I changed my focus from those things about my children, my life and my husband that I wish were different, and I simply chose to be content. I chose to be my own leader. I chose to leave the anxious thoughts of pain, and let love lead me. Yes, my life is full of sacrifice and seeming emotional emptiness, but it is equally full. Today, I saw the fullness.